Dave's Humor Page
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On a country road, a speeder hit and killed a dog. The dog's owner stood
nearby, a gun in his hand. The speeder said, Looks as if I killed your
dog. Sure does. I'm sorry. Was it a valuable dog? I wouldn't say that.
Well, suppose I gave you a hundred dollars. Would that be enough? Well,
I don't know. Two hundred dollars. That should do it. Sounds good.The speeder
reached into his pocket and came up with the money. Pressing it into the
man's hand, he said, I'm sorry I spoiled your plans to go hunting. I wasn't
going hunting. I was heading out to the woods to shoot that mangy dog.
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Whiskers: The little girl was sitting in her grandfather's lap as he read
her a goodnight story. From time to time, she would take her eyes off the
book and reach up and touch his wrinkled cheek. By and by, she was
alternately stroking her own cheek and then his again. Finally, she spoke:
Granddaddy, did God make you? Yes, Sweetheart, he answered; God made me,
a long time ago. Oh, she said. Then, Granddaddy, did God make me, too?
Yes, indeed, Honey, he assured her. God made you, just a little while ago.
Oh, she said. Feeling their respective aces again, she observed, God's
getting better at it now, isn't He?
Tips for traveling in the South:
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts
to wear out, fall out, or spread out. There are three signs of old age.
The first is your loss of memory, the other two I forget.
You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as
long as you don't have to go along. Middle age is when work is a lot less
fun and fun a lot more work.
Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every
man. Isn't that the darnedest time for a guy to get those odds?
You know you're getting on in years when the women at the office start
confiding in you.
Middle age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
Middle age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun
to grow in the middle.
Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.
A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor
instead of by the police.
Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that
will get you home earlier.
You know you're into middle age when you realize that caution is the only
thing you care to exercise.
At my age, getting a little action means I don't need to take alaxative.
Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will
The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through
You're getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking
You're getting old when you're sitting in a rocker and you can't get it
You're getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don't
know till the 4th of July.
You're getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and
you didn't do anything the night before.
The cardiologist's diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that
you are not a hypochondriac.
It's hard to be nostalgic when you can't remember anything.
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If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.
Four men in a four- wheel drive pickup with a 12- pack of beer and
a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay
out of their way. This is what they live for.
Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.
Remember: Ya'll is singular, All ya'll is plural, and All y'alls' is
Get used to hearing, You ain't from around here, are ya?
Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying: they can't
understand you either.
Mom'n'em is not one person. When someone asks, How's your Mom'n'em?
They are referring to the whole family.
Be advised that He needed killin' is a valid defense here.
If you hear a southerner exclaim, Hey, y'all, watch this, stay out of the
way. These are likely the last words he'll ever say.
When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road,
remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere and the rest learned
to drive while hunting in the back roads. In both cases, this is the
proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns
and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mammas taught
them how to aim.
Shakespeare is a rod or a reel, not a writer.
Duct tape is not only part of every survival kit, it is the whole kit.
Rasslin' is not fake. Don't dare whisper otherwise unless you want a kind-hearted
southerner to fix your busted head with duct tape.
Richard Petty, Dale Earnhardt and Elvis are good ole boys. Jeff Gordon
Turkey hunters actually curse Noah for letting coyotes and armadillos on
If you hear a turkey gobble, get out of the way. Some southerners view
that sound like pay-off bells at a slot machine.
Don't be surprised if an obituary mentions that the deceased requested
to be buried in his four-wheel drive truck because, It ain't never
been in a hole it couldn't get out of.
Ya'll come back now, ya hear, is a temporary statement. We love Yankees
to visit, but damn Yankees are those who decide to stay.
If you decide to stay in the South and bear children, don't think we will
accept them as southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven,
we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.
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Subject: Old man and his dog... a wrenching story :-)An old man lived with
his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town.
He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair,
a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do
odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food
for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on
what little these jobs would bring in. The dog was just a normal
hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally,
Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the
day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn. One bright,
sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed into town to work.
He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take
him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder
of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with
a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips. Inside the house and ready
to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise,
he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any
wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor,
but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish
the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for that night's
supper, let alone for tomorrow. When he finally came to grips with reality,
he told the lady who hired him what the ituation was. While she sympathized
with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't
do it, she would have to hire someone else.The old man packed up his tools
and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone
and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took
15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came
into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on
the lawn. When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling
the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the
man began to pet him, and through tear-filled eyes told the dog that there
would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more,
without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held.
It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he ever had! Then he caught
a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man went
over to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned
in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped
it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had
Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him,
and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only
piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.
Few people have ever heard these words -- until now, that is. One
man who did happen to read them changed them a bit, and has his name recorded
in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved.
But, now you are privileged to read the opening line of his original poem,
which began: "A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved
a wrench for me."
The woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several
months, yet she had stayed by his side every single day. One
day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by
him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "My dearest, you have been with
me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support
me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you
were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When
my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with
warmth. "I think you're bad luck."
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